Marcus drove him over to my house so i went outside. He got out of the car with a dozen of roses in his right hand and See's truffles in his left. I was happy to know he was my Valentine again because i can't really think of anyone else I would have been my Valentine considering the fact that I haven't been talking talking to anyone lately.
We were just talking until he said he wanted to ask me something but he was too nervous. Right then and there I knew he wanted to ask me out. So then it came out softly and slowly
" Um.. Will.. you be my girl ? "
I really didn't know how to react to it. Somewhere deep down me wanted to say "Yes" but most of me wanted to say "No" because I knew I never had the complete feeling of affection for him but blah. Although it seemed without guilt when I said "Yes" (because of that damn smile) I did feel guilty giving that answer.
After being with him outside for about five minutes or so, I walked up my stairs looking down holding the roses and chocolates in my arms. I was happy but still surprised because i honestly couldn't imagine myself and him actually having the tittle of "boyfriend" and "girlfriend", or even the just the phrase of "us together".
Of course the first person who I told was Tiffany because she was the one right next to the door when I walked in. I still didn't know how to react to everything. I guess you can say I was happy in a surprised way but I still didn't feel satisfied with the choice I made. I can honestly say I bullshitted when I was talking to Ritz and KK. I may have seemed happy, but... I DON'T KNOW ! I'm really confused.
I really really do love and care for him A LOT. I just don't want to hurt him by breaking it off because he seems so happy about everything that's going on. I know that I shouldn't even be doing things for people but I just really care about him enough to not break his heart. I mean i kinda want to let him be happy for a little bit especially considering that he's kinda been waiting for me for two years. Ugh its just I never did have the whole " I'm sprung " feeling for him.
Also another reason why I feel like I can't go on with our relationship is because I was really hoping that the next boyfriend I would have was someone who was crazy about God. I really don't want to open up my heart to just anyone either. Jonathan may be a really nice, and sweet guy, but that's not just what I'm looking for. I want someone who is Christ like and is growing spiritually. Someone who I can walk with in my faith is someone who I'm looking for.
Rawr I've been watching A walk to remember for the past two days and theres like a part of me that wants to keep going on with this relationship too because I have faith that I can hopefully change him into someone great, but at the same time i don't want to shape someone to be my ideal guy. I want to meet someone the way that they are :( man, I don't even know.
Another thing that is happening in my life is that Me,Tiff, and Jerett are taking classes to become more mature spiritually and get baptised. I really really want to get baptised. But right now I kinda feel like it was my mom's choice for me to take the classes. Right now I don't feel like I'm doing so well in my life. Like there's too many bad things that I'm doing that I don't feel fit to be baptised yet. It's just that high school, friends, boys, drama gets in the way of things sometimes and Ugh I just don't feel like right now is the right time. I should be really really really happy because I know I am. I know I'm going to pull through with it even through all the tough ish going on but Ugh..I guess that's why Jonathan also ties into my whole spiritual problem. Maybe that's why I'm not ready for a relationship yet. Or I'm not ready to change someone with my Faith. I know I truly do want to get baptised because I do want to accept Jesus into my heart, but is it bad to think that it's not the right time to do it yet? I want to change my ways before I do this because I know its going to be a big change in my life.. I just want to roll up in a ball and hide from the world :(
*siggh* Idk.
Lord, please just provide me with strength and guidance.
Your Guardian Angel - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
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