Open up my eyes to the things unseen.

caught in a rut.

2009-07-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

.. I like him..

tumblr?

2009-07-24T17:08:00.000-07:00

.. But I'm not telling you(:

you have to look for me. Pwuahaha.

PEACE.

i miss us.

2009-07-20T22:25:00.000-07:00

THE ULTIMATE HATERS.

"STAAR" SISTERS.

i miss last summer so much ! I had so much more memories in probably a month than what I have right now. From dress shopping and getting things ready for Tiff's debut, to days at the pier and taking retakes from three summers ago ? aha. Or being HELLA loud at tapioca express because it was like our whole family laughing or Jessica blowing in Desiree's nose. Or making stupid videos because we were sippin' on that haterade and the stupid drama that always makes our summers memorable. My summer is just okay. I barely have any week long family time hangouts because summer school and cheer is killin' my time ! Definitely miss my girls to the max though ! 6 school days left till I bounce that beeeots. Counting down the days ! :D

weaksauce.

2009-07-17T23:35:00.000-07:00

Dude, idk where I'm at right now. I'm so confused with what I want and what I need. The message at bible study really stuck out to me because it was talking about how we need to trust God in order to surrender our life to Him. In our little break out group one of the questions was " What areas in life are easier to surrender to God? Which areas are more difficult? Why do you suppose this ?" First thing that came to mind was my bad habits that I really need to let go of; I automatically thought of my relationships with guys. For some reason its an area of my life that I think is difficult to let go of. I know I'm quite capable of being independent and living my single life but idk for some reason I always want to be in a relationship of some sort. Not exactly a boyfriend but I guess "talking" to someone. I'm not even sure of WHY i strive for someone all the time when I'm pretty darn sure the only guys that I "talk" to are the ones that are no good for me or that I know I shouldn't even be talking to.
But it's like the only reason why I want it so bad is because of the happiness I feel for the moment and then when it's over I'm good while it lasts. Then when I start to lose that good feeling, I try going back to the source. Ugh, its so stupid ! I tell myself that I really want to surrender my life to God, but when I think of these things I know I haven't completely gave my all. What's surrendering ?
*SURRENDER [suh-ren-der]
-verb (used without object)
6. to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield.
I don't really understand why it's so hard for me to let go of something that I know in the long run will only hurt me. I'm just praying right now. Got to trust God and move forward.

" The Lord says, 'I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you. '
Psalms 32:8

Turn it down.

2009-07-17T02:26:00.000-07:00

Uhmm, I believe I need to take these feelings down a notch. Put em back in my glass jar and hide it because I feel like I'm starting to get caught up. Idk, it's just because I don't want to put my feelings on the line when I don't even know what's happening in the long run. Like what we have is pretty cool and I'm enjoying it but I'm not trying to get caught too deep into this hole i dig myself into. "I like you this much" .
Womp Womp Womp.

Today was fun ! I love having family time(: The good family talks make me happy and proud to have such a great family with a great bond. Tomorrow's FRIDAY! Yay !
Well I was just 'webjammin' with Desiree a while ago but now I'm fallin asleep forsure. I meea her. haha. Well...
Until tomorrow...Goodnight world.

ooooooohkieee

2009-07-15T21:31:00.000-07:00

So today was pretty fun ! Ugh, i hate how I lie to my parents about who I'm with though -__- but for the least I'm not lying about where I am. (:

Hehe well.. These past few days I haven't been sleeping late because someone doesn't call me back. LOL but its all good, I guess it's nice to have a break from sleeping at like 4AM every once in a while.
Woke up early and took a shower, which is rarely because I hate having to deal with fixing my hair in the short time that I have and what not but just blow drying it came out fine. After walked to KK's house and stayed there for about half an hour because I didn't want to wait at BART for him. When he came it was like 2 ? and the bus never came until like 2:35 ! haha oh well, it was nice just sitting there and talking I guess. The bus ride was pretty.... lovely(; oh surprise surprise ! I love them, He he. When we got Serramonte it was like 3 already and we went to McDonald's so he could get THREE McChickens and down them all one after the other ! haha well he had two and a half because he gave the other half to his homeboy Vika. Pretty cool fellow, haha he's pretty funny too !
So us three were there for about.. 3 hours? haha Yzzree, hella long ! Just so happen to run into Ton-ton and his boys too ! & please tell me WHY things felt like they were gettin' hot when he saw me with yeah and his boy ? Dude " Tell your homeboy I said hi " wth is that supposed to mean though ? I wasn't scared it was just, I've never ever seen you like this ! Through the two years I've known you; and four months with you gone, you come back thinking EVERYTHING is going to be the same and just because you see me with another n/gg, you and your boys are gonna try and pull something ? Nah, that's not even the business. Idk, at first I was kinda shocked because I didn't know that your feelings were still that strong and I guess I thought it was cute for a second.... Then I thought about it again and NAH you can't be expecting so much when we barely talk.
Aww but dude, poor kidd was hella paranoid after. LOL he's gone though so much ish with all my friends ! LMFAO. its cool though. (;
Well, A WEEK AND A HALF TILL SCHOOL IS OVER ! haha maybe by then my summer will FINALLY start -__- Sac one time ? haha
haha, well until next time...

PCE !

(6:04:03 PM): You my girl!

2009-07-13T18:49:00.000-07:00

Aha, I'm disregarding the IM after that though... aha Wow, I guess I proved myself wrong in this whole game that we play. I thought my difficulty level could withstand this "thing" we have but I don't even know(; Its because you know my weaknesses! LOL & that's bad !
(5:44:44 PM): :-)
(5:44:50 PM): Imy
(5:44:55 PM): :-)
(5:45:03 PM): Imy!
DUDE; I'm trippin' yo, but most definitely not falling ! Uhmmm, I don't know. Aha I really enjoy having these happy giddy feelings everyday. And the big butterflies in my stomach. Haha, and the small arguments we have that you back down to !!!!(;
(5:30:03 PM): Idont wanna be mad at you
(5:30:10 PM): Kay?
Ehehee. Oh ! And I can't forget the "surprises". I'm sure there's much more but Igig, we'll see...

Trouble Sleeping - Corinne Bailey Rae

Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'll never give in
Won't say that I'm falling in love
Tell me I don't see myself
Couldn't I blame something else?
Just don't say I'm falling in love

Long time

2009-07-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

..No blog though !

Deng, I used to blog like every day too ! haha Hmm, Because I haven't been too emotional to blog bout anything i guess or because there's not really any news. Well there is, but .. we'll see where this entry takes me.

My summer is not the business this year :( Last year was super crackin, but this one is just.. okay. It's because I haven't entirely been with family a whole lot. Too busy with summer school, and cheer. But its pretty cool because I wouldn't want to be stuck at home not doing anything either.

I miss being with family so much ! like to sleep overs that lasted a week or so. Or the late night hypes ! Aww, goodtimes. Then again maybe because this year is a break from all the cotillions. Geez, imagine when Liana finally has hers ? next one would be... JADE ! Oh Cripes, that's seven years after mine. IM GOING TO BE OLD ! :l hahaha
Well, actually there is going to be family parties this year ! Both of my grandma's are having parties for their birthday. My grandma on my dad's side is having a bigger party then usual because it might be her last birthday =/ God willing, her stay here extends.

And for my grandma on my mom's side, its supposed to be a surprise party + Uncle Dennis' birthday. woot woot, can't wait ! aha my mom's asking that we do a dance again just for fun. Bring on the cute choreographers for me and my homeboyee !(; haha but it's nothing serious, we just want another highlight for our summer. Ahahaha hella bad !

DUDE, lmfao another blog about Desiree ?

i miss her !! :( hahah I swear, i'm so lost when we go for a long period of time without each other. eheheheek ! Dude, seriously. Every time me and or her are in something we ALWAYS have the same problem. HAHA

So here I am again in my same situations, I hate it so much ! Frontin about my feelings and what not ? Not that cute. I'm pretty happy about things but, there's always that one little problem that just so happens to be the big main problem. Hella kickets on the low. I guess we kinda crossed that thin line, but aha I kinda already had the feeling that it was bound to happen, I just didn't know when. My guards are up and they're pretty sturdy so I'm sure I won't be falling anytime soon. I'll just see where things go, i suppose.

PCE.

womp.

2009-06-22T23:12:00.000-07:00

Back to listening to Secondhand Serenade....

Suprises.

2009-06-19T22:57:00.000-07:00

Same crap, different person each time.
But, I'm hoping this ones different from the rest.

its crazy.

2009-06-14T22:29:00.001-07:00

My week has been filled with so many ups and downs. but of course, I still want to praise God.
I'm not sure of how I'm feeling right now though.
I've been praying for my sister for so long. I told myself i would just step aside and let God do his work, but I totally just bursted today. I'm not exactly sure of how she took it. I'm glad that all my feelings that were bottled up about her were out there, but i guess i'm just afraid of hurting our relationship.
I'm really just praying for the best.

Lord, I need you so much right now !

2009-06-12T20:34:00.001-07:00

Lord, I'm praying that you work within my family and bring them back to you like what you did to me.

"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

Hebrews 4:16

One Desire - Hillsong

Lord I'm amazed by You.

2009-06-10T21:41:00.000-07:00

I'm really happy I got to go to CGCF's Youth Retreat this year. Pretty much have to give props to "My favorite Cousin Ever", Jeremy. He really encouraged me to go and I'm pretty sure without him I wouldn't have gone :( but anyways.
This weekend was so much fun ! I really didn't want the retreat to end. I got to meet new people, and bond with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I haven't felt so close to God in so long ! I really really do love this feeling of coming back home happy and so filled with God. I was super emotional at the retreat. I began to think of important people in my life who I wish would have came.
I learned a lot about trusting in God and letting him lead the way in my life because a lot of times I choose to do things on my own. (twin, I know I didn't say this in our break out group, sorry aha.) I kinda related to Rachel's testimony when she said she was trying to look for happiness in love and friends and what not. & there have been multiple times where I thought that boys, friends and fun could make the worries go away. I always tried to look for love in all the wrong places, or spent most of my time with friends to help alleviate the emptiness I had.
"Give all your worries and care to God, for he cares about you." (1 Peter 5:7)
At the retreat is where I realized that what could have filled that emptiness inside of me was in front of me all along. It was God.
I didn't truly put all my trust in Him when I should have. I prayed for him to give me guidance, but I don't think I completely put my heart into it when I knew that I should have.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I learned that to trust God is to give your all even when you don't understand why you're in icky situations. Trusting in Him is leaning on him and knowing that he won't ever let you down because God knows our future and knows whats right for us.
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. (Ephesians 3:20)

How about a round of applause.

2009-06-07T17:45:00.000-07:00

Give it up to the best team that made me cry when I usually don't.
Hoo rah for parents ! -__-
Wow, I usually don't cry when someone yells at me unless I'm super pissed, but its just the fact that one parent after the other keeps yelling at me about things that I don't know the answer to.
Omg, and its so rare that my dad yells at me ! Wow, it's not that I'm pissed right now because I'm not; I'm still pretty absorbed in the fact that I get to go to Youth Camp. It's just it would be nice if you turned down your tones a couple noches. K thanks !

Memorial Day

2009-06-03T17:39:00.000-07:00

"I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me Will never ever die."
John 11:25-26

uhh ?

2009-05-31T23:58:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I feel really sad. I'm not even sure of why I am. I'm pretty content with life right now, but not entirely satisfied. Like.. It would be nice if I had more to life.
I completely forgot what it felt like to be in a serious "talking" relationship. Maybe that's it. I'm unsatisfied because I have no significant other. but then again, I know it's not even that ! I'm waaay better than that.
Hmmm...
I'm starting to do second thinking on cheer. I shouldn't even be doing that ! It's just I really don't want to get pulled away from the things that I usually do over the summer.. Like church retreats; Summer is usually the time where I grow closer to God, and I don't want to miss that chance especially when I need it the most.
La la la..
I'm so... I don't know how to explain it.. Melancholy, Sad, Confused, dull, upset, troubled ?

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed

Psalm 34:18

you're really lovely.

2009-05-26T23:34:00.000-07:00

I may be hiding behind my pretty little smile, but underneath it all is something only I know...

... lmao well apparently, Desiree too. Gaaahhh

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6

imy

2009-05-22T18:01:00.000-07:00

" No goodbyes, just see you later.. It aint over yet. "

-Jonathan Bonifacio c/o 2009

get your swagga going.

2009-05-21T19:27:00.000-07:00

"Dawg, you can't even stand on your own two feet."

Chicks with dicks don't belong in my mix. Off top, you're a complete turn off.

-___-

PEACE.

Happy Birthday, KK

2009-05-21T17:43:00.000-07:00

Swag Surfin' KK, Jerkin' Ritz, &Swag Surfin' Amee.

CHECK US OUT !

I made some cracckin' brownies(: I'm not too sure about my drawing though O.o but I herra love you KK ! Happy Birthday<3

These soles are useless without you.

2009-05-20T20:03:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize how this school year has passed so quickly. Half way finished with High School ? When I think about it, the next September I'm going to already be starting my senior year ! Geez ! but I kinda can't wait to get out of this heezy and move in with some folks, party hard, and then the next day lay on the couch hung over(; Taaaha Nah, not really..
Well I'm super excited for my upcoming Junior year at El Camino.
Gaahh, Herra expenses :( I hate how I can't do much to help, but I'm going to promise myself that when I am able to do something, I'ma do it big and give back to my parents.
This summer is going to be jam packed with cheer. I'm so stoked for Cheer Camp at Davis though ! New experience and a great way to bond with my cheer sisters. I really hope it doesn't take me away from my family though because I don't think there's a summer where I didn't spend time with my cousins.

23 MORE DAYS till he comes home. We miss you over here, Jon.<3

Any news?
__ Naah, not much. I need to meet new folks, because the one's I'm around ain't too cute anymore -__-
Tomorrow's KK's birthday. Baked her some crackin' brownies with white chocolate in it though, holla ! :D Hopefully I make it to her party on Saturday, if not I'll be in Vallejo. But then again I can't really complain with that.
I haven't gone to Bible Study in over... A month and a half, i suppose? I really hate this feeling of being so far away from God. No matter how hard I try, I never seem to be in the genuine heart of worship. This really sucks. Hopefully we can go this upcoming Friday. OH Rawr, I don't even think I'm going to any retreats this summer either, well that's unless I find a sponsor. Gaahh. Or maybe I might go with Desiree's youth because it's only $20.

Well.. I'm out for now. 11 More school days left ! Peace.

lock 'em and load 'em.

2009-05-18T23:17:00.000-07:00

" .. and I am torn to do what I have to. To make you mine, stay with me tonight "

So I realized that most likely I'm going to AT LEAST spend maybe a week i hope with lalala homeboy in sac; & REALLY though can we PLEASE promise no more drama !.. even though they're kinda highlights of our summer. AHAA. But the least be straight forward about our affairs. -___- EHEHEEE !

see'in you round.

2009-05-15T22:23:00.000-07:00

" tell Amethyst that I love her and miss her and that I'm coming home soon. "

Tonton's Coming out June 12 ! Counting down the days :D
I really really do miss him. Apparently, he didn't receive any of my letters :( but its all good, I'll write one and send it with John's or something. So when he comes out I guess everyone's going to Dave and Busters? aha dude, I'm so happy ! I think he's out a month early ? Check you out ! i love you and miss you Jonathan. see you round.

scary movies suck.

2009-05-11T23:39:00.000-07:00

You know in horror films when there's that stupid character that tries to save themselves instead of waiting for help? and you're sitting there watching, screaming at the television set because you know for a fact that there's going to be something bad coming, but you can't just get in the way and tell that character which way to go because.. it's a movie?
YEAH, RIGHT?! I believe I was a character in that kind film. I tried, obviously didn't get through, so I decided to just "step aside" and let the character make their own decision. Now I sit as the audience, watching this horrible film take action, knowing what the consequences will be; but I can't do anything about it.
It sucks to just sit there and watch while you see problems arise as you notice every decision the character shouldn't have made so they wouldn't be tangled up in the icky situation that's ahead of them.

I hope you understand clearly what you're getting yourself into. I need to realize that its not my decision, and I really should just get out of your way. I shouldn't lead you in any direction because you take the steps.

" Your sister would like me to remind you that she needs grace. Just like you need forgiveness, so does she. There comes a time in every relationship when its damaging to seek justice, when settling the score only stirs the fire. there comes a time when the best thing you can do is accept your brother and offer him the same grace you've been given. "

When I read this it made me think of you. Maybe it was just the first sentence that stuck out to me and directed it to you. I just need to let it go and let you take your own road. I'm praying that whatever choices you make, it will lead you to somewhere in God's plan so that He may work his way with you.

WANTED

2009-05-11T17:42:00.000-07:00

I would just love to let you know that I honestly don't know what you sound, look, smell, whatever the frick there is to know about you because i haven't seen or even spoken to you on the phone in forever. Rarely any late night hypes where we'd call each other at night and talk for hella long. -__-
I'm hella homo but.. i miss you hella much, ugly ! i haven't made fun of anyone or laughed as hard as i have ever laughed with you. Eheheheek ! hahah this is to you ugly, idk if youre catching my drift with the bolds though. AHA holla.

Last seen: CHRISTMAS 2008
Name: Desiree Seisa
DOB: March 21,1992
Height: 5'3 ? she herra tall
Hair: ? (she changes it too much)
Eyes: Brown and chinky
Ethnicity: Filipino

*the ugly chaank on the left side of this picture

Corona and Lime - Shwayze

Life of a swim manager

2009-05-07T23:08:00.000-07:00

Today was hella crazy. I have never ever ever gotten left behind at school; Well not just me, Heather and Stacy too ! lol We were supposed to hitch a ride with Ryan, but he had a frickin chiropractic appointment so heather's mom picked us up because she told her that "a swimmer was left behind" LOL The PAL meet was pretty awesome. herraaaaa cuties at Terra Nova. Kinda wish i went to a white school. LOL Got my eye on a tiger. Holla ! Today was hecka fun over all. Just waiting on a random number to text me so it can top everything off(;

Cupcake no fillin' ?

2009-05-03T15:23:00.000-07:00

I'm a sucka for anything. Ugh, I hella gave in . Just let me know where we're at one time because it's not my usual that I kiss guys i don't 'talk' to. -____-

"Pacquiao put Hatton to sleep. Sang him a little lullaby called 'here's my left' !" BOOM ! Pacquiao hella won ! hahah KTFO before the 2nd round even ended? -- hella beast. Yeah, i didn't watch it live because my parents are weird o.O but I did watch it on the internet. lmfao same ish.
i'm outeezy.

wsup, playa ?

2009-04-30T18:29:00.000-07:00

I was hella trippin', but now I see where I stand. You're exactly like your brother & that really is not cuttin' it for me...well that's until I start to see more of you and less of your bro. Until then... NEXT !(:

So today was the last swim meet; I hella regret missing all those meets before though -__- but its all good. Next week for sure I'm going to the PALs. Haha, okay so this year everyone got thrown into the pool ! It was so funny ! Heather was like the first ! then she came back out and grabbed me :( lmfao When I thought about it, last year, I HERRA bounced right when the meet ended because I wasn't even close to anyone to be throwin' me in the pool. HAHA. but today was hella good times. I better see some pictures in the year book(;

Peace.

Trippin'..

2009-04-29T22:29:00.001-07:00

..But not fallin'.

Damn, I can't be doing this.

What's good ?...God's good.

2009-04-27T18:07:00.000-07:00

Crackin' week in the 'V' with my roll dawgs. Ken came home from the Philippines Friday night. Saturday he slept in most of the day while ate dhey was at work and me and Tiff took care of the boys and helped Auntie and Ninong go grocery shopping. Later, we went to Delo's party for a little bit, *Aheeem* is hella hott(; dilf tho? EHEHEEK haaay !
The next day Tiff hella got a makeover, but she got in trouble by my dad. -__- Hella got put on blast at Uncle Dodo's though; just because she didn't tell him? She's 18 ! Chill out, Daddy O. I heard my mom tried to back her up, but my dad just wasn't taking it. Oh when we got home from Vallejo I got yelled at too so i was pretty pissed. Today, I woke up and I missed my family. Tiff took Bart to school because my dad says he doesn't want tiff using him anymore? Whatever the heck that means. OH I made Varsity Cheer! Hella happy ! Hmmm.. I suppose Tiff will take Bart home later too since she's grounded and then we'll all be home safe, God willing. Oh and dad will still be pissed, but whogaf ?(;

* Sistah sistah ! Tiff's hot ! holla holla holla holla !

ya herra lah meh<3

2009-04-23T23:03:00.000-07:00

*Muah, everyday though? i'm hella lovin' it.

No more try outs for cheer, so I'm not as busy anymore -__- but it's all good. praying that when the results come in, I'm in ! Aaah !

Heeewla hurrt, but oh so catchy O.o

SLEEPY FUCKIN D - SLEEPY D

not the business.

2009-04-20T00:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but I'm hella crying.

Happiness - The Fray

Superstar.

2009-04-16T22:28:00.000-07:00

Wtf, so i love how hella people come up to me saying "SO LIKE O-M-G, AMEE !"
So i suppose, HELLA people know about our videos now though ? HAHAH. We're gonna be famous on youtube someday. Come see us one time(;
Holla !

E-L C-A M-I N-OOOOOO

2009-04-15T22:27:00.000-07:00

What's good with cheer though ?

I really do need a job though to atleast help my mom out. I hope it happends ! hella crossing my fingers. Try outs start next monday ! Yaaay ! :D

ohh shaa !

2009-04-13T22:59:00.000-07:00

*Ocean Beach at 6:30 in the AM ?

Goodbye, Spring Break... Even though you haven't done me much this last week, but its all good-- I kinda wish it didn't have to end. Like I suspected, my break wouldn't be as crackin' until the end and it was ! Youth and Family paid off for all the lazy boring days spent at home. -___- But also, somewhere along the line of this useless week, I found myself meditating a lot and spending my time with God, which was pretty good. I had ups and downs this week but I'm glad I ended it with happiness.
Boo for school tomorrow. Still need to shower, get my thangs ready, then I guess phone for LESS than ten minutes because that's what I promised KK !(;
So, no more drama. Me and the anonymous Mr. --, don't talk anymore because that's how I want it to be. I found out a lot of crazy information about this guy to realize that it's not worth sticking with. & I would certainly not like to have my label back when I just finished phasing it off. Aha, for the first time in forever I kinda felt sad that night, but the next morning I ran into someone pretty cute, then odd to say I was all good ! Not to mention seeing my family and youth made things absolutely better too! I guess I found my remedies.
I'm out for the night. peace.

Pressure (acoustic) - Paramore

(3:19:34 AM): but i wont be able to sleep tonight, wondering what you feel?

2009-04-12T01:22:00.000-07:00

I hate dilemmas. onelilcrazypnay (2:53:15 AM): no drama intended. I suppose I'm a magnet for that ish. -___-

Time for me to step aside.

2009-04-09T18:25:00.000-07:00

Wow, who knew this break could be this dramatic for me? I never realized that I cared so/(that) much until now. I've been so caught up with my first reactions I let everything take the best of me. Someone helped me stop to look at myself and recognize that I'm not doing so well. I compared myself then and now and I'm amazed at how badly I've changed. I had so many motives in the past to become a better Christian in my walk with God, but I guess I began to look at others than myself.

"These people say they are mine. They honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. And their worship of me is nothing... (Isiah 29:13)"

I'll admit I do criticize and judge others of what I think is wrong, but actions do speak louder than words; My actions haven't proved that I've been doing any well as them.

"Why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend 'Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye' when you can't see past the log in your own eyes? Hypocrite! first get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye.(Matt. 7:1-5)"

I'm a sinner myself and I know I'm not perfect. It's just sometimes I need to realize that I need to help myself out before I can help others because in God's eyes I would be a hypocrite.
Things aren't going so well with me. I need to get my act together. I'm lost again. When I finally felt like I was on the right path, right then my direction kinda shifted and lead me to where I'm at right now.
I'm convinced that you're not my problem anymore. I got your back to the fullest, but I think I'm finished going through whatever it is to help you. You're an adult, you're my ate, I'm just gonna wait till you figure everything out on your own. As much as I do want to help you, I need to help myself first.

-BTW, Thanks,for helping me realize the things I couldn't see for myself. <3

Miracle - Paramore

I do believe I'm a genius.

2009-04-08T14:13:00.000-07:00

BTW - I freaking love my cousin because she's hella wise even tho she irritates me. LOL peep her latest post, April 7 2009:

http://truel0vewaits.blogspot.com

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aww, Desiree loves me enough to mention me in her blog(; howla howla howla.

Well hopefully today is filled with plans. I'm feeling better because I can breathe through my nose now LOL.

Dude, spring break is not crackin' ! Hahah its Wednesday already and I haven't done anything spectacular. Started out strong and is slowly dying out. No bueno, on the real. Well I think I'm going to take a walk with my mom because I'd rather go with her than 'happening to run into someone' at the park with Tiff and Jerett -__- Your ish is weak, you think I never played that same game before? haha Ugh ! I'm being the ultimatest hater ever ! I kinda need to lay low on that because it's not very good. Its not my full intent to say something aloud. LMFAO okay, i'm finished. i guess I'm heading out now ?

Good day, mate.

(3:09:51 AM): goodnight sweet dreams pretty lady.

2009-04-07T21:17:00.000-07:00

I have mix emotions today. A whole lot of being lazy and sick, a tint of being satisfied, but you know I'm never really content with anything, oh and being pissed as ever !
Idk. Maybe these are the results of staying home and not doing anything but watching TV and doing nothing but nothing on the Internet. I need a life ! ha ha For sure, spring break this year is not the business. I'm sure I'm not going to be making my way to Sac, but I'm still trying to go to Vallejo since its half as close.

Okay, back to not being satisfied. I was going through my Bible this morning and I starting to read what I highlighted in Ecclesiastes. I read chapters 1 and 2 to find that everything was so blunt ! but oh so true ! "No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied. No matter how much we hear, we are not content. (Ecclesiastes 1:8)" I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where I felt like I was in the positions to say I was fully complacent. "But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless--like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere. (Ecclesiastes 2:11)" Yeah, I merely had days when I said I was at ease and happy but when the next day came it was another cycle of wanting to be fine again. Sometimes I felt that my life was useless and it had no meaning. Well, I knew my life had a meaning but I couldn't clearly see what it was. I guess you can say to this day its not crystal clear for me to understand exactly what God intends for me to do. But as I was reading, I realized that sometimes God puts us in positions where we feel distressed or restless to test our faith.
Since barely anything consumed my time, I began to examine myself. Honest to say I'm not doing well in my walk with God. I saw that I didn't put God in the complete center of my life. I tend to try to find happiness without His help because sometimes I feel independent enough that I can do things on my own. In the long run I never get what was my intention haha because that's how it always is for me, but as I look back I try to restrict myself from doing the same impediment decisions. Someone told me that our faith shouldn't be based on rules and restriction, but its with making the right decisions.
I know this book in the Bible wasn't meant to bring you down because if you read on it teaches you that you should live your life as happily and joyfully as possible with having God the center of everything. Without Him in our decisions in life we would be useless--Like chasing the wind. Aha I guess it makes you think twice when someone gives you encouraging words saying that.

-____-

2009-04-06T20:02:00.000-07:00

FML.
I can't frickin breathe. Am I sick or are these allergies? geez louise ! I've gone through like a whole box of Puffs today and still going.

It's a Monday night and the whole gang is here, starting with Serendipity and Gossip girl. Oh what's really good ?

I'm too lazy to write more so I'll write tomorrow. Peace

Bottomless Party ?

2009-04-04T13:29:00.001-07:00

--Nah, not really but Joshy's was pretty coo. I layed off the dranks for the night just because I wanted to stay sober, but too bad the source didn't feed for all.
Ritz came over after school and we got all prettied up for some breeeyuhs, but too bad we already knew most of the dicks there ! There weren't hella hella cuties like we expected, Okaay, but there was a couple. Aha got to Joshy's at 6 then chilled there until the rest of the gang came through.
Mia, Marielle, Hannah, Rheaanne, Ritz, Patricia, ane me were like the party girls ! Haha without us, dancing wouldn't be as crackin'. After, someone turned on the lights, and a few of the boys started to box. Aha everyone was hyped up like a Pacquiao fight though. Ritz and I left around 1030 and I guess from then on out the party ended? I had fun ! Hella good way to start off my Spring Break ! But Homeboyee-- What's really good this week ?

apparently, i actually miss a lot..

2009-03-31T20:18:00.000-07:00

The list goes on from lost loved ones, to people whom I haven't seen in quite a while, and to people who I don't talk to as much as I used to.
It's not like I'm emo because I most certainly am not. aha. They're just people who remind me of the good times, I suppose? I know I've met a lot of good people to fill in for the people who I don't talk to from the past, but I'd still rather have everyone ! haha just because I'm a selfish mother-- (:

Again, I must say I miss Jonathan. hahah Ugh but I need to get my letters in ASAP because I'm laggin' -_-

Piano Song - Meiko

aha hella mellow. I'm out.

you are not Penny Proud..

2009-03-30T23:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, but did I do something to make you act like a bitch ? Cause I don't recall talking to YOU. I'm glad I didn't react to anything since I didn't know what the f you were talking about because I so woulda gone bad. lmfao, but luckily, I didn't because you woulda messed up. aaaaaaaaaahaha. ew i sound like a bitch myself. good day

you're exactly my brand of heroine.

2009-03-29T00:30:00.000-07:00

dude, what the; why am i such a hopeless love ? like I rely on thinking that "someone" is holding my happiness ransom until i find that person, but wth i know my true happiness isn't in finding my one true love. I know God truly makes me happy, but sometimes I don't really know how to feel because I don't feel it as much as i believe it. yaknow ?

Maybe I'm just a little bummed out because I can be honest to say I started to crush on someone but then it didn't turn out like I intended it to be ?

Anyways, I ran into an old relationship from the past. I was pretty amazed to see him since I hadn't since we were officially "talking". Our communication sucked pretty bad since most of the time our relationship was over the phone -_- but despite the fact that I rarely saw him, I had quite a few feelings for him than I did for anyone else.. well, I think. I don't want to have a whole blog about him so getting to my main point.. it was AWKWARD when I saw him.. a silent side hug was all we gave. Me, the one who always makes the first move, tried to start a conversation, but too bad it was only a one way street because he totally ignored me and walked away.
Okay, I'll admit I missed him, but just because he was the only one who I felt proud of talking to since he was the type I wanted in a guy -- eheheheek ! I don't want to speak of this anymore, I'm finished.

goodnight

On it.

2009-03-26T22:20:00.001-07:00

Oh Yup; Pardon the inconvenience with my state of manner. Serious to say, don't fuck with me.

...But I do believe he is the fanciest of them all.

puhhlayed.

2009-03-25T23:09:00.000-07:00

..not to the max, but just for right now because it seems like I don't talk to anyone at night anymore. LOL what the Thursday, already ? kicket at Ritz's tomorrow and we're going to watch twilight. OH and finally going to my ortho because I'm like... a month late due to all my rescheduling. lmfao ! hella bad.
I decided I'm going to do try-outs for cheer ! & Senior year I'm going to attempt to run for like student body secretary or something ?! Lol i need some achievements in my high school career. OH and god willing apply for a job and get my permit after my birthday ! I'm being hella ambitious right now, idk why.

...-- Well carry on, folks. Good day(:

Tell me why...

2009-03-23T23:51:00.000-07:00

... you think San Diego STATE University(SDSU) is a UC school when it obviously isn't. It's a STATE and it says it in the name, lmfao. You can't base your facts on sports divsions, haha maybe they're just good ! you're probably talking about UCSD, which stands for University of California San Diego. You can't dogg me in colleges because I already had a whole project/final on them. Bwuahaha. Ew, & I can't believe you're aiming in the same direction I want to go(; Totally stealing my idea of moving to So Cal. aha

Anyways... I won this argument and you so cut me off because you're scared that I'm right ! lmfao ! Amethyst>Jalen anyydaaaay, yO :D

Goodnight !

To: My Everything

2009-03-21T00:51:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to the only nigga that I could keep up with throughout everything. Thick and thin we got each other like none other and it's always going to stay that way forever and ever. I must say dealing with this girl is the hardest task anyone can ever do, but I swear she's my enemy and love at the same time. haha If she were a boy, she'd be my life time lover; but if she were just a friend, I'd hate the hell out of her(; lmao oh yup.
Compare us right now, and you'll see how much alike we are. I guess kinda looks, but feelings too. She cries, I cry. I laugh, she laughs etc etc. it's always like that ! even with our menstrual cycles, brehh ! HATERS FOR LIFE? yes, that's including Ashley too because we're the ULTIMATE HATERS, suck on that suckas.
Drama and Boys can try to get between us but all I gotta say is GTFO and take your weak ish with you because its never going to happen anymore. think again, we got this curse on check(;
South City and Sacramento is a pretty long commute, but who gives a ---... We talk all the time and grow more and more each day. I can say this girl has been a huge impact in my life spiritually and emotionally. The only one who helped me realized my mistakes and stuck there with me until the end. Love, I swear, I got you will never leave our aim profiles nor ever ever be anyone else's quote because its MINE AND HERS and its been since... three years ago ?
Well.. I'm pretty speechless right now because I wanted to blog and all this was at the top of my head, so again I say Happy Birthday, Mainsqueeze/ Everything/Ugly/Chink/Homeboy/Pancakes etc etc... I love you<3
>
*LMFAO, holllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa(;

Got a hold of me.

2009-03-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

I'm slowly falling and its hard to get right side up. I'm getting pulled down as I try to make my way to my feet. I'm confused. I know what's right, but why do i look back to what I know is wrong ?

Assurance we can't see

2009-03-18T21:52:00.000-07:00

Lately, I haven't been acting the way that I should. Old habits are coming back and I'm just letting it get the best of me. I let my emotions take control and I just go wherever it leads me and thats something I shouldn't be doing. I seem to always stay on the dark side and strive for the brighter, but I notice i never really make an effort. Doesn't make any sense, right ? As much as I want it to be a brighter day, I find myself rather just hoping for the best to come around. "Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? (Luke12:25)" It's not even that I'm dead on sad or emotional or anythinig because I can be happy. I can look around me every day and work my mind open, my heart, to see and appreciate the beauty that is everywhere. "Our hearts ache, but we always have joy...(2Corin6:10)"

I know there's something waiting for me somewhere along the road, but I can't seem to stay patient anymore. I feel like I've given up a little, but I dont want to admit that because that just shows how weak I can be. Trusting God fully means trusting him even when we don't understand why events occur as they do.
I know God has a purpose in every aspect in my life. It's hard walking down a road not knowing whats going to come up next whether its good or bad. "Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything.. (Philippians4:6)" but I guess thats where having faith comes in..

I'd rather go have calamari

2009-03-16T19:55:00.000-07:00

Yay for three-day weekends ! I swear, we've had so many holidays these past two months but too bad after Spring Break that's going to be the last of it :l
Saturday and Sunday felt pretty sad for me. I miss Jonathan a lot ! I'll admit I still cry but I know everythings going to be alright. Ugh hes coming back, its just idk.. right now i'm all over the place. I want to write more to him one time though so when i send my letters, there's going to be a jillion. Omg wth, I came to realize that my ex boyfriend is a convict ! :( uhhh... HAHAHA

So to make my sad days happy I requested an "Amee, Ritzy, and KK kickit" today. What the, bopper at Serramonte? Ugh I swear, we NEVER intended on NOT buying anything but thats just how it went. Ritz left to hang out with Benny and KK came over. Yay for pictures ! haha i love her !

The remedy for my bad days ! (:

... Well, besides my family of course.

whats really good ?

2009-03-13T17:49:00.000-07:00

These random kisses seem to be on a daily basis now, so whats really ? aha(; holla

Signs - Snoop Dogg Featuring Justin Timberlake

that don't kill me, only makes me stronger.

2009-03-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

Yay intensive innovation. i'm out.

i just want you around

2009-03-11T22:50:00.000-07:00

I miss you, but why is it that when you're around its just whatever to me ?
There was one point where I took you for granted and I'm so sorry. Stay strong in there.

" Let not your heart be troubled. Believe in God..." John 14:1

FREE TONTON !

what the, "FREE JONATHAN" ?

2009-03-10T18:54:00.000-07:00

Wow ! Everything is so sudden ! its so crazy how all this happens when we don't even talk anymore. I kinda have this feeling inside me that's saying I took him for granted. I totally forgot that his court was this month ! Maybe that was why he called me up Friday night ? but still.. he had the weekend to get back at me after i called and texted. RAWR ! I was hella thinking about it in class and I still remember the days that I cared so much about everything ! I was always crying and when that day finally came I wasn't even..... here?
Although, I'm not his girl; I still want to be there for him like I was. EXCEPT THE CUPCAKIN PART. aha but I liked being there for him. hhhh, idk....
damn i need to stop thinking of what I think is true and really just get out there to know the truth.. I asked all his boys what was up with him because I told them that we stopped talking for a while and I thought he was mad at me but they just told me to write him !... I'M KINDA SAD NOW ! hahahah ugh I have to write to the deng guy while hes in jail ! :l
Everyone is getting locked up, one after the other. stupid Benny " It's like when one comes back, they got to take another in ! " but that's really whats going down. First Mikey, now Jonathan.. what the and i heard John is next ? who knows..

FREE JONATHAN !

i hope your parana bite.

2009-03-09T22:46:00.000-07:00

" Oh What's Good? " We killed our little performance in front of ASB though. holla holla holla. Aw, good times bonding with a couple of the cool kids in dance ! LIP SYNC RALLY THIS FRIDAY ! I'm pretty excited !

So I realized... I'm a hella hopeless love ! Good things come to those who wait, so I'm giving up for now. Kissing Dating Goodbye ? I suppose so !...again ! hahaha
But I'll still be around when I see a nigga passin' by(;

howla, g'night.

you're too good at pretending you don't care.

2009-03-08T23:59:00.000-07:00

Aw; this weekend has been pretty fun ! I'm glad I'm not at any stage where I'm like super emo or anything. Haha But what is amazing is I'm getting back on track with my walk with God and I'm beginning to gain more and more trust for my parents. I just had a girl talk with my mom. It's crazy to even say I have girl talk with her because I never really imagined it until like.. I was out of high school ?

I got to talk to my mom about the big J-O "bonifide" Bonifacio. lmfao lmfao lmfao ! Thats code i guess ? " JO Bonafide " LOL anyways.. I told her whats been going on and my feelings on this whole situation. she thinks I should talk to him about it and like what his intentions were when he asked me out and why he even did it out of the blue. I still want to be friends with him, I never wanted anything to change between us because i liked everything the way that it was but FYI, I never intended to hurt him or lead him on. UGH and I know the problem for this WHOLE matter was because I said " yes" but WTH ! what do you say when you have the whole scene going on ? You cant just shatter someon's dreams right then and there ! (stupid giorn) aha but you have to let em down slowly and thats what I did ! I guess he doesn't care anymore since he doesnt talk to me, but rraaawr ! i'd rather have you not talking to me on good terms than on bad, i suppose?

Oh yeah, I wanted to post this picture up because i love ritz !

OH OH OH ! I understand football now ! :D well okay just the gyst but whatever ! I know my positions now ! thanks to my favorite cousin ever(;
ask me bout it, brehh ! I'd happily answer what position it is ! hahahah

OMG this time change sucks so much ! Goodnight

sock you in the throat, breh !

2009-03-07T00:51:00.000-08:00

Yes, you're the best definition of a jerk(;

Hehe....HSM3 was pretty cute, even though i fell asleep xD

I'm so about to ktfo. Today wasn't like "ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS !", but it was indeed a fun day. I love being this happy. I swear, I love good laughs !

I love my youth group, I love my friends, I love my family, and I absolutely love my God !

goodnight, folks.

straight ?

2009-03-05T22:26:00.000-08:00

"Damn the Truth does hurt!"

wow, is this something that I should be concerned about? Ugh ! Did I do something to hurt you, because i honestly don't recall myself doing anything wrong. Why is it that you always have an away expressing what you have to say, but you can't even talk to me about it ? I really don't even know why I care so much anyways.. I don't like you the way you think I do. I hope you didn't get misunderstood especially considering the fact that there was never a time where you even asked about my feelings. la la la... oh yeah, btw, thanks for flaking on me; Mhmmm...

-------------------------------------------------------------

ANYWAYS !

Even though i feel kinda.. pissed ? I'm happy. I think this is actually a decent smile that's on my face(:
Dance is going great, I'm so happy that I'm catching on and I'm actually doing pretty well. Aw, and we're like growing closer ! i love our little bonds after practice ! it's fun ! good times, good times ! OH BTW, our lip sync rally performance is NEXT FRIDAY ! omg, wake up call right ? but I'm doing good. no stress, no stress, no stress...

Schools going pretty well, I'm doing pretty fine in all my classes. OH ! So for biology, I thought having the biggest, quietest, geek in my class was going to be BAD but its not too bad. ugh I'm so stereotypical right :( I need to stop judging. But anyways, we finished our project ! hella quick, it wasn't even that hard. She's hella nice too(:

So, I think.. I...um... have a....uh... crush? .... possibly ?... maybe ?... aha who knows(; Aw, someone who I kinda actually like, right !! but idk kouz i don't want to fess up to anything just yet because they might not even be my real feelings.

airballin13 (10:22:24 PM): yea i guess cuz...
airballin13 (10:24:53 PM): ..special
onelilcrazypnay (10:26:12 PM): kouz what.... ?
onelilcrazypnay (10:26:14 PM): haha im special ? Lol
airballin13 (10:28:36 PM): yup =)

Jalen is cute, he seems like a hella chill guy who I would want to get to know better. Ew, He's jock.. aha, i only said ew because jock sounds like a hella cliche word that people label people in movies.. LOL but jalen's a jerk.. who knew jocks could be jerks too ! aha Well we talk like every night ! Aha I guess we flirt. rawr, idk ! aww. i miss having crushes !

k, I'm getting off soon ! dude sleeping in is NO BUENO ! i need to wake up early now. muahah I'm out(:

fly as hell swagga right brown skin poppin.

2009-03-03T20:29:00.000-08:00

what the weezy right ? So this week is going alright. this weather is killin me though :( It's rainy all round. & the sky likes to tease because the sun comes out for like fifteen minutes. ahah so tomorrow is early release but i kinda don't want to go to dance eh, boo ! i barely talk to anyone well except for Justine, but really if she doesn't do the dance then i really dont want to either kouz hahaha its not crackin..

Thursday is late start because the freshmen and all the people who didn't pass the HART test have to take it ! suckas ! lol i want to go to ihop with those flemies ! Lol oh but I'm not a hersh, btw ! xD AW so joshy cut his hair ! i forgot to blog the other day so I'm saying it now ! aw he looks like a baby now ! ahah but omg omg omg ! so in PE we were in the weight room and i was checking him out, but i didn't know it ! LMFAO LMFAO LMFAO ! omg well i caught myself after he looked at me kouz i was on the pectoral fly while he was sitting on the bench press thingy. aaaaaaaahahahahahahhaha anyways...

Anynews? hmm. well I'm trying to keep my distance with Jonathan now. like I'm actually doing it. I don't always make a move to say hi to him when hes with his boys at school.. like i try to forget he's there so i keep walking ? aha and I don't text him " good morning " or " goodnight i love you " anymore because i feel like I'm leading him on anyways. I hate feeling deprived from talking to other guys because ugh ! -- I'm not even with the brehh so idk why i care so much.

OH ! i got my book ! " Love, Blood, and Everything in Between " COME SEE ME ON THE FRONT COVER, BABY ! officially a published author. aha how's that for college apps ? eheheek ! well i'm out for now. I'm getting lazy. talking to ejalen makes me want to get a concussion and ktfo or something(;

peace.

all I have in this world is a pistol and a promise. a fist full of dollars, a list full of problems...

2009-03-01T22:24:00.000-08:00

what the weezy f baby ? thats all i've been listening to lately.. but Rawr, so this week has not been the business though. eheheek, no but really I had so many plans for this weekend and I didn't do it all because I thought we would be busy, in the end we didn't do ANYTHING ! we stayed home. That was pretty much freakin wack -__-

Saturday it was either a kicket with Kk & Ritz, or Ava's birthday dinner party. I didn't go because we were supposed to go to Tita Elsa's viewing but Tiff's friend, Mel came over unexpectedly ? uhm yeah. gtfo here ! I wasn't tripping that much because I also knew there was another service Sunday so yeah...

Sunday, we woke up, and went to church. There was like nobody there but me, tiff, matthew, jocelyn, and jenn so we ended up going to pho to fellowship? (: that was good though. Came back to the church and stayed with tiff because I guess Mel had to talk to Armando about getting a new car ? or get some tips on buying cars. Me and tiff went to polly anne's to get green tea and strawberry ice cream, then we went to eggettes to eat it together. IT IS AMAZING HOW LONG WE STAYED THERE. of course out of the blue, her friend comes to join us. raawr. then we went back to the church, fell asleep in the youth group room then woke up to go back downstairs and talk with armando. WTF the talk was like ten mins ! HAHA woow really though. we waited like an hour and half. Tiff is so weird sometimes ! but its cool i guess kouz we ended up hanging out after that. But really ugh what annoys me the most is how tiff like thinks its okay to bring her friends along anytime she wants. Like when it was me, her, ate andrea, and ken. Mel comes out of NOWHERE and ends up staying with us the whole time we were there. like wth though. or yesterday when she came over and nobody even knew? rawr no more ish talking..ANYWAYS...

we hung out at the mall for a little bit to look at shoes, then they dropped us off. I watched shoot em up finally ! there is barely any bomba in that movie ! Lol like really, its all shooting and blood ! ahah then tiff comes in my room telling me the service is at 6 ! and it was like already 5:57 ? wow and i asked my mom what was up and shes like idk i'm still cooking. so i'm like woooooow. I was pretty irritated. like at the table i just really didnt give a damn. LOL I think its because of my period. no bueno. my dad was like why arent you eating your onions ? you know thats the key to long life. I was like oh ok. and then hes like you don't care? and I was like no not really. and then AWW my dad was like well I do and smiled. MY DAD LOVES ME<3 hahah aww i love him, even when i'm mad. ahah

so after dinner i went in my room and ended up reading my diary from 05-06 ? What the, i was hella different ? from Ghetto to wanna-be ghetto ? lmfao come see me now ! Ew, I was sucha corndog(; Muahah ! OMG and you know what else I found ? blast from the past, if you know what i'm saying ! LISTEN TO IT ! lmfao lmfao lmfao I'm effing famous ! :D aha justkidding but aw, this brings back goodtimes.. kinda

amethystsigns-cj and paulg.mp3 -

CJ AND PAULG LOVE ME ! ahah ! well yeah i'm getting tired. In conclusion, today was alright. even though I went from being hella pissed, to happy, to whatever I am now. I still got to give it up to God for everything ! (:

Howla.

it's sweetend, my sweet.

2009-02-27T22:58:00.000-08:00

Aw today was actually really good. Double dating is pretty cool off top. Honestly, aha I've never been on the whole dinner at night, walk around the city, kind of date. Haha, I usually just go to the movies and whatever restaurant is near but tonight was pretty cool. Benny was kinda spotlight though because he was the only one crackin jokes, and Ritz was the only one who I was really talking to. Idk, Jonathan was kinda quiet but it's all good(:

First they picked me up and they all met my dad because my mom wasn't home yet. Haha It was funny because I could tell Jonathan was kinda scared. LOL oh well Aww and then before we left my dad was like " You guys be safe, make sure you take care of my jewel ! " AWW haha my dad loves me<3 LOL. After that we headed to the Cheesecake Factory. In the parking garage, they locked me and Ritz in the back seat, then they came to both of our doors with a rose LMFAO. it was so funny because the VERY first thing Jonathan said was " Benny told me to do this ! " HAHAHAH omg, really though ? LOL. So after we walked to cheesecake factory and requested our seats, I guess the boys wanted to sit outside on the patio magig. So yeah we sat there and we got some wack table because there was no heater =( Oh well, it was all good though. HAHA i love how we ALL got full off the appetizers, then when our food finally came we didnt even eat it all. Lol oh well. After, we got cheesecake as desserts. BENNY ASKED RITZ TO PROM it was so cute because the waiter put it on the table and around the rim of the plate it said in chocolate " will you go to the prom w/ me ? " HAHA ' the prom ' that was pretty cute.

After Cheesecake, we started walking around the city. Well we only went to like.. Westfield mall for a little then we headed to the car kouz i think the mall was starting to close. We didn't know what to do after. kinda wanted to go watch a movie but me and Ritz had to be home before 10 or something... So they kidnapped us and we ended up going to ocean beach for a little. it was hella cold ! but it was all good. me and Jonathan were talking about school, and like growing up and everything.. then my mom called me up and said i had to be home soon so yeah after that we left....
They dropped me off at home and they met my mom..... Tonight was good. I'm glad my mom got to meet Jonathan too to see who he was and all that shabang...

Straight up... I kinda feel like I'm deprived from other guys because of Jonathan. I mean ugh. I'm not even with the guy; even when I was, it didn't feel like we were together. I love him but I'm not in love with him the way he is for me. I especially don't want to be on lock down either just because of him. Ugh idk.. Maybe I don't do ish bout it kouz I don't want to hurt him? Who knows. RAWR maybe that's why I'm just waiting until he graduates to finally carry on because that's the only time i don't completely see him i guess. I just want to be friends, but I don't know if that's what he wants to be. Maybe if he talked more things would be easier...

RAWR I'm getting tired. I have a headache. Tonight was good though. I'm glad my parents trust me and I got to tell them the wholeeeeeeee truth (: well I'm out now. Goodnight.

maybe we can find a good place to keep a lovin' state of mind.

2009-02-26T22:13:00.000-08:00

Today was like... really good.. but random too... oh and kinda moody? I think I'm getting my el periodo soono ! wack sauce to the max ! anyways so I'm going to start off from this morning.

OMG i freaking woke up at 730 ! &thats when I usually start putting on makeup. Kouz wow this ugly kept me up ahha justkidding. Uhmm okay so I told my dad I was going to dance practice after school kouz Intensive Innovation asked me to go.. but anyways my dad started to get mad at me ? who the corn knows whatsup. LOL he was like " youre the type of student who always wants to be out doing something, when it comes to the point where you're at home youre not going to care because youre going to be out all the time. " Wow really though? Ugh Okay these are symptoms of my period coming up lmao especially when I talk shizz. Anyways then school was pretty chill, I'm glad I caught up with all my homework and classwork so I slept my way through most of my classes. Muaha. Lunch I went to CCC and there was a speaker there. She was 21? and a missionary. She was basically talking about how there is always going to be false christianity ? I think thats the word.. well how theres going to be a lot of that in the world. like when people think that it's okay to live in sin ? and whatever she said was actually true because you can't be running towards sin and trying to also run towards God. Theyre both in two different directions and you can't go both ways. & like how when you walk towards sin youre turning your back on God. I thought that whatever she had to say was interesting. I love that club ! haha

OMG okay so in 6th period ! we ended class early so we started watching edward scissor hands but I had to use the bathroom so when I went outside and GINO was there. My oh my. So let me update. Previously we were exchanging comments on myspace talking about " what happened after school" and to fill you in we almost " kissed kissed" when we said hi to eachother because i'm sure like thats how everyone says hi nowadays LOL anyways and he said it was a ' goodthing' so that was kinda sweet. Then okay carrying on to what happened when I went to the bathroomm during 6th... Gino was at his locker so I went up to him gave him a hug and kissed him on the cheek and said hi.. he stood there holding me and staring in my eyes... lmfao i was obviously smiling because thats what I always freakin do when i'm speechless and he went in for the kiss ! i think I went in too a little because thats what I do when i'm in the moment but OMG WE KISSED ! lmfao what the random right ! But I told kk, and ritz about it and he's a flirt kinda.. Just like his older brother ! but when I think about it ahha they are exactly the same because his older brother, gerald tried to kiss me too but I didnt fall for it. I have no idea why i fell for the little one tho. LOL jk ugh I get caught up in the moment too much though:l rawr its coool. I don't think I like him like that anyways because we don't even talk like that yaknow ? He's cute and all but I think he has other girls and I'm not trying to get myself caught up in that kinda jizz.. ANYWAYS

haha I went dance after school, Ugh I was quite bored. LOL or I wasn't that hyped as I usually am. I think its kouz I dont have any close friends with me at dance anymore. Urgh I wish i was in badminton. I officially suck at dancing again. ahaha I'm hecka slow. eh whatever. practice makes perfect right ?

But uhm...I just finished my letter to ms berg for english class. I'm trying to gtfo off the internet by 1045 and then go to sleep kouz i'm pretty tired. lala..I think I'm going to end this here. I'm out. G'night folks ! (:

on blast ?!

2009-02-25T19:57:00.001-08:00

LMFAO LMFAO LMFAO LMFAO LMFAO LMFAO ! I never knew people were interested in watching mine and desiree's videos from over the summer ! and it is quite hillarious !!!!!!!!!! btw, I AM SO HURT ! no makeup= no bueno !

The "call me up with that chocolate" was another one her friend put on their blog. EW WE ARE THE HURTEST EVERRRR ! LOL ! but you so know it was good times, thanks for SO DENYING it to your friends though desiree.
"aye tho, that's totally not me guys. this is summer desiree. way baaack in the day, hahah."

duhduhduhdduh !
lol ! you suck, makes me sound retarded one time though. anyways !
Today was coool, I didnt have school so I chilled at home. It was suppose to be a kicket day with, renny, amee, ritzy, kk minus ren kouz shes never there but I couldnt go :( It's all good though. I'll see em tomorrow. This day has been filled with music, one tree hill, facebook, and myspace. Woow hella bored right. For some reason I wasnt even signed onto aim either which probably made my day super boring.. Hmmmm....

OH ! Warriors plans got el cancelled because I guess Ritz can't go ? or probably we were too late to replying to the boys. Eh, its cool. but HAY for double dates at the cheesecake factory. The couples are going to be Ritz and Amee & Jonathan and Benny ! LOL so homo but thats how it will be since its a double date with both of our ex's -_- aha

Rawr, I'm so bored ! Today went by so fast though ! Hrrmm.. ANYNEWS ? Oh, "Intensive Innovation" Is requesting that me and Justine perform with them at the next rally ! I was like woah, really now koz uhm.. last I remember it was only like a few people who THEY wanted to be in it but its all good ! i'm pretty happy bout it. LOL I swear it will always be ME AND JUSTINE as a pair in dance club.

So if you can tell I have paragraphs ! LOL kouz someone complained that my blogs were too long ? I suppose ! hah So i've been reading old old old old saved messages in my myspace inbox and old old old saved convo's on aim and I must say I was a bad....bizzaatch ! LMAO like ugh ! I look at it now and I was a ' Ho fasho ' LOL like a flirty ho fasho kinda way. But uhm when I thought about it, I NOW know why I got to '#19'? AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA SO NO BUENO ! but I miss talking to someone. For me now, its like I'm super super aware of who I'm talking to and my guards are so high Idk how I can get em back down. thats a good thing but idk. hahah I guess it just shows how much the boys I talk to dont care as much or dont put in enough effort? xP I kinda want to go to a new school so I can meet new people ! Haha After going to Carlmont yesterday, my taste in boys changed(; OoOo lala for white boys. eheheeek muahah
where the..who the.. what the... Oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaash ! Oh speaking of " on blast ?! " as my tittle, I think I'm going to put my blogspot on blast too kouz aha I don't feel like I'm going to die anytime soon. WELL NVM (knockonwood)... I'm just going to put it out there kouz I can.. Haha well i'm outeezy. howla !

oh yeah ! I forgot to put these up. This was from Sunday ? at Armando's house when we had a " happy baptism ' dinner.. Well these are only a few kouz yeah I was too lazy to save all 71 @ !!! O_O

* oh yup, koz I got the world in my hands(; Ahaaaaa justkidding, breh !

you're the best definition of good intentions

2009-02-24T20:32:00.000-08:00

This week is going by so well ! (: I'm really happy. Things are going great, I'm really happy, and IDK things just seem so amazing. Like.. my heart is filled with so much never ending joy. So I asked my parents about Friday and going to the Warriors game with Benny, Ritz, Jonathan, and KK and my parents said I could go. Yeah its pretty crazy because its usually my parents never let me ! Ahh, I guess they trust me ? I love it because now I can prove to them how much they can trust me... but, Anyways.. this is how it went.
So I woke up and went to the bathroom (the usual) brushed my teeth, washed my face, then turned on the straightener, btw my mom was in the bathroom too. So As I was straightening my hair I asked
" Uhm.. Can I go to a Warriors game this Friday ? "
My first thought of how she was going to respond was like "No ! Why do you need to go ? " but she asked me like with who ? Said Kk, Ritz, Benny, and Jonathan. Then she said ' no b/c I dont want to pay for your ticket. ' but whats freaking amazing is the boys are paying for us. So she asked how we were going to get there and I said Benny and she said You have to ask your dad about it first. OMG I was kinda happy because it actually went through my mom. Of course, my mom asked me why I wanted to go she was like " i thought you're not serious about Jonathan and you dont like him ? " and I of course said I dont and I'm not serious about him. &shes right about us not being the same yoke or something because hes way different from me. Like.. the differences between us and our faith. So Yeah before I was leaving I asked my dad and he said " Yeah ! you can go, so you can experience. " Man oh man was I so happy. I confirmed it with my mom with a pinky promise saying that its all trust. I was really happy because now my parents trust me ! Everything is going so well. My relationship with God, the trust with my Parents, and my friends are great ! I Thank God so much for all the blessings he brought into my life(:
Hmm.. what else happened today ? Me and Heather went to our first swim meet this year ! aha It was pretty fun. I was actually with someone too, unlike last year when I didnt have any friends =( Boo haha but checking out really cute white boys are Carlmont was fun ! but wayyyy too cold. haha Tomorrow is a break ! NO SCHOOL. I love February ! haha its the shortest month and the only month with the most Holidays. haha Well.. not too sure if i'm going to waste my time on the internet the whole night. Maybe watch a few movies in my room. Well I'm out for now.

Its a new me.

2009-02-22T22:26:00.000-08:00

This weekend has been great. Today has been amazing ! I havent felt so good in so long ! The baptism was awesome ! It's so happy to see alot of people get saved ! there was like.. TEN people ? AW I was talking to desiree about it too :') She gave me like TEARS OF JOY ! haha i love her so much, through everything that we've been through its only made us grow closer and thats amazing !

rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:54:07 PM): AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:54:08 PM): OMG I LOVE YOUUUU
onelilcrazypnay (9:54:16 PM): aw !! you read it !
onelilcrazypnay (9:54:27 PM): haha
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:54:29 PM): Aww dudee.. i was thinking about your freakin baptism
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:54:30 PM): i felt sad
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:54:32 PM): cause i feel like i hold u back
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:54:38 PM): from being liek the christian youre capable of
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:54:40 PM): cause i'm like bad around u!
onelilcrazypnay (9:54:41 PM): aw from what ?
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:54:44 PM): i like hella cuss and gossip
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:54:46 PM): sighh
onelilcrazypnay (9:54:47 PM): aw !
onelilcrazypnay (9:54:49 PM): dont even !
onelilcrazypnay (9:54:49 PM): dude
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:54:52 PM): YOURE the one who i feel like i should be on track w/
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:55:01 PM): awww
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:55:04 PM): AWwwwwwwww
onelilcrazypnay (9:55:05 PM): AWW !
onelilcrazypnay (9:55:06 PM): stop p!
onelilcrazypnay (9:55:08 PM): dude
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:55:12 PM): awww hahaha
onelilcrazypnay (9:55:43 PM): we've both been influenced by eachother. sometimes its good and sometimes its bad ! who cares !
onelilcrazypnay (9:55:44 PM): Hhahaha
onelilcrazypnay (9:55:45 PM): stop
onelilcrazypnay (9:55:48 PM): youre makin me sad !
onelilcrazypnay (9:55:49 PM): LMAO
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:55:53 PM): why?
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:55:54 PM): its a compliment.
onelilcrazypnay (9:56:00 PM): but dude you have been a big part in my spiritual like.
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:56:05 PM): AWWWWWWWW
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:56:12 PM): tear tear
onelilcrazypnay (9:56:14 PM): i dont care bout how much ish we went through or how bad you can be
onelilcrazypnay (9:56:30 PM): you have ! you help me realize wats really good and youre always there for me =(
onelilcrazypnay (9:56:31 PM): AWW
onelilcrazypnay (9:56:32 PM): HAHAHA
onelilcrazypnay (9:56:34 PM): im gnna cry !
onelilcrazypnay (9:56:35 PM): HAHAAH
onelilcrazypnay (9:56:40 PM): its like a speech on aim !
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:56:43 PM): I KNOW LMFAOOO
rockwitdzpnyvibe (9:56:47 PM): debut speech

haha oh yup. but in all honesty, she has been a great blessing in my life and I Thank God for her. I have no idea where I would be without her and her support.. hahah so ANYWAYS enough with this lovey craap!(;
Jeremy and KK went today! we had lunch after then went home to hang out. We were watching Tiff's cottillion video which was pretty much goodtimes ! i miss that. haha and we were watching part of Shoot Em Up but my parents kept talkin about how we're watching all this bombaliciousness and started getting mad. but its'aall good kouz Im sure i'd do the same. After we dropped Kk off, picked up Julianna, then headed to Armando's house, oh and my dad took Jeremy home kouz hes lame for not staying with us ! Ehehehe just kidding. I really do miss that fool though ! Anyways. Dinner at Armando's was fun ! Kinda short because of stupid school but its cool. It was me, Tiff, Julianna,Armando, His friends, Jeff, Brandon, and Jason. Pretty cool. Ugh ! Okay so Jeff was there and I know I shouldn't be saying anything but he is so cocky =( haha Like urgh idk. NVM thats all I'm saying because I dont want to be talking anything.. Like I'm really trying to change old ways. The old is gone and the new has come. I'm doing a NEW ME. no more cussing, no more 'nigga', no more talking ish, no more drama etc etc. I really want to be a better Christian. like I want to be a good influence to others that they want to do the same. I know its going to be hard because of all the bad habits I had before but I know I can do this. For God and With God(: Well i'm off to bed now. Boo for school tomorrow -_-
Gooooooooodnight(:

two days in a row ?!

2009-02-21T21:22:00.000-08:00

These past two days have pretty much been blessings ! I love it. I'm so happy I'm doing better and not too much on the bad side. So yesterday was fun when we went to youthcast and I'm glad i brought kk ! some good ol' youth bonding time at in n out was fun too because we haven't hung out like that in foooooooreeeeever. Tomorrow is Mine, Tiff's, and Jerett's baptism ! I'm kinda excited but scared ! Idk why. but Yay ! i'm glad that maybe the youth is going to go, I think ate dhey ? Idk haha who knows. We actually invited a lot of people ! lol but anywayssss
So today was fun ! :D This morning was so slow because I woke up late but its all good. Me and Tiff were supposed to go running together but i woke up at 11:30AM no bueno, por favor. Then I started cleaning because I knew that me, kk,joshy and wii had to work on our project on human rights. So I cleaned and did my ish and around 3, Kk and her mom came to pick me up and we headed to joshy's house. He lives like.... right next to Jasmyne's house ! At first me and Kk were SOOO annoyed because Jake Taylor was there and he wouldn't show his face and we were gettin a little irritated. Then Carl, Joshy, and Jake were hecka messing around and watching porn ? who knows ... AND were being pervs. Then like when we ate it got a little better because Jake was all kawawa about frances. IT WAS SO CUTE because hes kinda over protective about her and idk. LOL i guess from a girls point of view it was cute. Then Carl and Jake left.. it was kinda quiet aha but after they left we realized that even though they were annoying, we grew to realize they were hecka funny ! Lol Then we were watching Superbad in joshy's room while finishing up the poster and we ended around like 830PM ? ahha we were there for hecka long ! and we took hella pics when we were lagging, oh yup. kouz we're camera whooooorees(;

*BTW, the one where its just me and Josh is my "duhduhduhduhduh face" HAHA

...even though sometimes we may be annoyed at joshy, we still love him a lot ! I'm glad to have these folks in my life. At school its different but when its out, its amazing to find out everyone's real side. Thaaaank You, Lord !<3

you're the best definition.

2009-02-20T23:55:00.000-08:00

Aw so today was GLOW for youthcast which was pretty interesting. Yay for the first youthcast that I've been to in FOREVER and the first I brought a friend !(: oh yup for KK ! haha The message was about like being who you are. I love how God works in crazy ways because in my other blog it talks about how I dont know who I am, or what I'm doing and all that confuzzled junk. In the message it talks about how people back in the day were named by their personality and their traits. So I thought about it....Who am I ? What words can describe .. ME ? I'm still not on point on who I am, but I know who I want to be... &Thats a follower of Jesus Christ. I'm glad this week started to get better for me. I guess it was ever since Thursday. I went to Christian Club and even if the message doesnt quite get to me, I still get uplifted by the people in the room. When I walk around my school, I never really realized that a few of those people I have in my classes or see walking around the hallways are also a believer of Christ and thats truly amazing. Especially to see a growing youth at SCHOOL !(: ....So tomorrow is saturday ! Yay for the weekends ! Ahhh This weekend is jam packed. LOL I have a project to do with KK, Joshy, and Wii on human rights and hopefully we finish it all tomorrow at joshy's house. OOO and me and tiff are FINALLY going running in the morning. ahha . ...I'm pretty excited for Sunday. Even though it was sudden and last minute and at first I didnt feel like I could pull through with it, I'm really happy ! I want to do this ! And i love bringing my family and friends together. Well rawr i'm getting tired now. I better get some rest. Gonna go running round 9ish ! G'night, folks.

rough draft.

2009-02-19T18:44:00.000-08:00

So.. i'm gettin baptized on sunday ! so soon and I did my testimony. I want to do it on video because haha who knows what I'll do when I say the day of. LOL but I'm not quite sure if its my final but this is what I have for now...

All my life I have been a Christian. I was raised a Christian and went to Christian schools until I began my junior high. I guess you can say things started to change as the years in middle school went by. I became influenced by my peers. Soon enough I was vulnerable to peer pressure and whatever was “in”. I found myself caught up with skipping school, boys, fighting, drinking, and rebelling against my parents. Soon enough I had so much going on I pushed God out of my life. I felt like I lost everything that was important to me: my real friends, my parents trust, and most of all my relationship with God.
It wasn’t until the near end of my middle school and beginning of high school I started to truly take things seriously. My family was a huge impact on my life. They helped me realized what meant most to me and got me back on track with my walk with God by taking me to bible studies, Battle cry which was a Christian concert,
Family Camps and always supporting with heart-filling advice that helped me trust in God.
Making the decision to let God be number one in my life is something that will help me grow spiritually. It’s a step to becoming a better Christian and recommitting my life to Christ. Giving my life to God gives me a reassurance that I will live eternally with Him after my life on earth. I know that I can trust in God through every circumstance because he will always have a plan for me.

I'm still not sure of what my verse is going to be yet but I still have a few in mind. Things are getting better for me. Not too much on the down side anymore which is really good. Although i wanted to do badminton sooo badly, its fine ! Swimming manager again, oh yup.
So Jonathan asked me if I wanted to go to a Warriors game next week with Ritz and Benny ! I really want to go. One because its a WARRIORS game, and Two because ahah i want to hang out for once ! hopefully my parents let me go :l Who knows ! Filipino parents are so strict. But if I do go, I dont want to spark any feelings for him. well uhmm...
Wooootwoot ! Tomorrow is FRIDAY ! Ahhh ! and GLOW for Youthcast. I really want to go, hopefully my dad lets me Xl
I need to get to my homework. Yay for short weeks. Oh how i love February school days. i'm out...

I am...

2009-02-17T22:18:00.000-08:00

I have no idea whats up with me lately. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm mad. Sometimes I seem like i just dont give a darn.. ugh ! Things feel like they're so hard on me, but when I think about it I'm just making it hard on myself. I'm optimistic then I'm pessimistic. I'm yelling, I'm shaking, I'm smiling, I'm laughing... Then I find myself under my pillow crying my eyes out by the end of the day not know who I am or what I'm doing. Who am i ? What am I doing ?

la la la la... life can pretty much suck sometimes. i dont even know what happend to me.

Been A Long Day - Rosi Golan

but i still want to clear things up first...

2009-02-15T19:53:00.000-08:00

Frick. idk why I'm so sad. I should be really happy but I'm not satisfied with anything right now. Valentines Day was kinda good.. Jonathan was my valentine again but i didn't really expect anything more to happen than flowers and chocolates.. I mean i kinda knew something would come along but Rawrr, it kinda did take me off guard...
Marcus drove him over to my house so i went outside. He got out of the car with a dozen of roses in his right hand and See's truffles in his left. I was happy to know he was my Valentine again because i can't really think of anyone else I would have been my Valentine considering the fact that I haven't been talking talking to anyone lately.
We were just talking until he said he wanted to ask me something but he was too nervous. Right then and there I knew he wanted to ask me out. So then it came out softly and slowly
" Um.. Will.. you be my girl ? "
I really didn't know how to react to it. Somewhere deep down me wanted to say "Yes" but most of me wanted to say "No" because I knew I never had the complete feeling of affection for him but blah. Although it seemed without guilt when I said "Yes" (because of that damn smile) I did feel guilty giving that answer.
After being with him outside for about five minutes or so, I walked up my stairs looking down holding the roses and chocolates in my arms. I was happy but still surprised because i honestly couldn't imagine myself and him actually having the tittle of "boyfriend" and "girlfriend", or even the just the phrase of "us together".
Of course the first person who I told was Tiffany because she was the one right next to the door when I walked in. I still didn't know how to react to everything. I guess you can say I was happy in a surprised way but I still didn't feel satisfied with the choice I made. I can honestly say I bullshitted when I was talking to Ritz and KK. I may have seemed happy, but... I DON'T KNOW ! I'm really confused.
I really really do love and care for him A LOT. I just don't want to hurt him by breaking it off because he seems so happy about everything that's going on. I know that I shouldn't even be doing things for people but I just really care about him enough to not break his heart. I mean i kinda want to let him be happy for a little bit especially considering that he's kinda been waiting for me for two years. Ugh its just I never did have the whole " I'm sprung " feeling for him.
Also another reason why I feel like I can't go on with our relationship is because I was really hoping that the next boyfriend I would have was someone who was crazy about God. I really don't want to open up my heart to just anyone either. Jonathan may be a really nice, and sweet guy, but that's not just what I'm looking for. I want someone who is Christ like and is growing spiritually. Someone who I can walk with in my faith is someone who I'm looking for.
Rawr I've been watching A walk to remember for the past two days and theres like a part of me that wants to keep going on with this relationship too because I have faith that I can hopefully change him into someone great, but at the same time i don't want to shape someone to be my ideal guy. I want to meet someone the way that they are :( man, I don't even know.

Another thing that is happening in my life is that Me,Tiff, and Jerett are taking classes to become more mature spiritually and get baptised. I really really want to get baptised. But right now I kinda feel like it was my mom's choice for me to take the classes. Right now I don't feel like I'm doing so well in my life. Like there's too many bad things that I'm doing that I don't feel fit to be baptised yet. It's just that high school, friends, boys, drama gets in the way of things sometimes and Ugh I just don't feel like right now is the right time. I should be really really really happy because I know I am. I know I'm going to pull through with it even through all the tough ish going on but Ugh..I guess that's why Jonathan also ties into my whole spiritual problem. Maybe that's why I'm not ready for a relationship yet. Or I'm not ready to change someone with my Faith. I know I truly do want to get baptised because I do want to accept Jesus into my heart, but is it bad to think that it's not the right time to do it yet? I want to change my ways before I do this because I know its going to be a big change in my life.. I just want to roll up in a ball and hide from the world :(
*siggh* Idk.
Lord, please just provide me with strength and guidance.

Your Guardian Angel - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

i feel... happy

2009-01-15T18:38:00.000-08:00

I have no idea why. I actually came home from dance pretty happy. Maybe its the fact that Intensive Innovation is performing tomorrow at the EYE hip hop showcase but idk ! I was really glad i went to CCC today because lately i havent been going to any of my clubs. I'm usually hanging out with 'renyameeritzykk" crew. Even though there wasnt a lesson i still felt that i was closer to God by their music. Also i raised my hand when they asked who wanted to be in the lifehouse skit kouz i mean why not. I participate in probably about most of my clubs except this one so i'm pretty excited. and i never realized how cute Jeremy was until he started singing and playing the guitar. OH MAN ! There's just this happiness inside of me for some reason ! Even though not everything in my life is cool. 2009 seems pretty fresh to me ! and i love it ! Just hope things go well :D okay homework homework homework ! write more some other time. peaaace(:

blessed

2008-12-24T18:08:00.000-08:00

Today is Christmas EVE ! yaaay ! I feel excited, but not really. I dont entirely feel the Christmas spirit that I felt when I was younger. I frickin' miss that feeling though ! Opening ONE gift on Christmas Eve, Reciting a Bible verse just to get money from Grandma, All the Cousins singing Christmas songs. Urggh ! It's too bad that we've all grown older and we rarely do those traditions anymore; but I'm glad that this year on my de la Pena side we're going to be doing questionaires with all the girl cousins so we can grow closer and i guess ahha let out what we have to say I guess or tell each other how we feel about some people. LOL ! idk, i hope its nothing bad though. OH ! and we're doing Gingerbread houses again. I'm happy because this is my familiy's first time doing it. Booooo !! We didnt do it the first time because we went to RENO for the Holidays. who SKIPS Christmas and goes to Reno ? I know I was being pretty bitchy and what not but it was just because I was so used to having my WHOLE family with me on christmas and being loud instead of watching tv in a hotel room. Hhaha. This year is coming to an end pretty soon. Man, it went by SO FAST ! i was just looking at 2007 New Years Photos and I was like MANN ! that didn't even feel like that was last year. haha I can say this year has been good to me. God has blessed me with everything I need. I've grown closer to God, I've grown closer to my parents, and School's going GREAT ! I 'm glad I persued most of my new years resolutions. haha the only thing that was left out was " being a better violin player" luckily, I quit ! :D oh and the whole boy part. Ehh ! its whatever.. I need to be patient though, I know that God knows my life and has a perfect timing for EVERYTHING. well It's already like 630 and I still need to take a shower and get ready ! haha I'm sure i have enough time though because my mom is still cooking. Well HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE !(:

life sucks

2008-12-18T22:21:00.000-08:00

..Life can be a mother--.. Personally i'm not going through hella ish at this moment, but i have. can't go on and on about how much pain and troubles i've gone through kouz it's probably not a lot compared to other people. Life can either bring you up or kick you in the ass.. I've gone through stupid boy problems, drama, the loss of family, maybe not a close friend but i've lost a couple and it does suck ! but whatever, you get me right? A tragic death can actually teach a lesson. Maybe to live life to the fullest, or not to take anything or anyone for granted. It's a cycle, you're born, you live your life, then BOOM you're dead. As a Christian and losing people who are Christian, its actually just a celebration of life. I think it's because you've lived your purpose. Maybe that's why I'm doing pretty good. I want to live my purpose here on earth so I can die already... kouz " What does this earth have for me that heaven doesnt ?"... I found out it was to save. My purpose here on life is to advertise and show people the path that leads to God. Maybe it's being a good influence, or just inviting a friend to bible study....Before i understood what my purpose here on earth was, I can honestly say there were times where i felt like crap. Wanted to be a bad ass and drink my problems away, or smoke it off, maybe even add a few cuts here and there. But that was before I really wanted to give my life up to God. I realized there is more to life than just my problems and being a rebellious bad ass. I can't say that I'm the best role-model for being a Christian, but I'm stil trying. It's hard balancing up my life and choosing the right kind of friends. Especially choosing the kinds of guys I want to date. I've gone through being cheated on, played, taken advantage of, whatever.. if you know me that well, you know a few of my stories..As good as having a boy on the side sounds, it can seem absolutely great; but really there's so many strings attached to it. I'm not trying to say " BOYS ARE BAD, I SHOULDN'T DATE EM !" I just need to be serious about them. Choose wisely because I know boy's arent a priority, just an accessory. It's hard being patient but if I have enough faith to carry on, I can do it with God's help.

Thank you, Lord!

no "goodbye's" just "see you around's"

2008-10-22T22:24:00.000-07:00

"tomorrow's not promised..."

friCk ! ='( omg ! this sucks so badly. I'm not even worrying over a guy relationship or anything anmore. It's about my friend. Ugh ! So I met him my freshman year through my cousin. haha He was trying to get at me because he thought I was " cute " and I thought it was cute that he was trying. I guess you can say we were talking for a little. I think he had a crush on me that whole year ! I really admired him though. He was actually a good friend and someone nice to talk to. Aww i remember He was my Valentine; even though he wasnt the first pick. That really sucked because the guy who really was my valentine totally didnt even get me anything and he ended up being a jerk few weeks later... Then later on that year he asked me to go to Junior Prom with him. It was so cute the way he asked me because we had fourth period right next to each other and we would always hang out before the bell rang. One day he gives me a note and of course i'm like " wth is this ? haha " but he tells me not to open it until I leave so right after I left I opened the note on the way to getting to my seat and it says " Amethyst, Will you go to Junior Prom with me? <3 Jonathan " THAT WAS THE CUTEST EVER . UGH ! I still hecka wish I went with him, but my parents said no. He promised me he would take me to his Senior Ball though, so that was really good (because my parents said I couldnt go to any of these Balls/Proms until I was a sophomore). This year we still talk. He waits for me after 5th period and we walk to my 6th period class every day ! I like it because it shows he hella cares for me.. Lately he hasnt been making the wisest choices. He's been getting into a lot of drama and it may concern him not even graduating from el camino. It really makes me sad because I care for him a lot. I'm not sure if I have feelings for him. Maybe I do ? If I do like him then I totally regret blowing him off for jerks. He was there for me through ALL the bad relationships, and I never really saw that.
So he texted me yesterday saying "iono is this is the last time i get to talk to yu maybe on thursday or somthin but i jus wana say ima miss you and ill cyu round " that totally made me wonder what was going on. He told me he might be getting locked up and he said he doesnt know if he'll be seeing me as much anymore.

(10:17:24 PM): hopefully i get to see yuh in tha morning
(10:17:56 PM): omg im gonna be sad.
(10:18:21 PM): nah dnt be
(10:18:27 PM): ill be around
(10:18:50 PM): but what if youre not ? =(
(10:19:05 PM): dnt worry
(10:19:07 PM): i will
(10:19:47 PM): you better be. hahah
(10:19:58 PM): hahah i promise
(10:20:17 PM): but tomarrow if you get to school early let me know so i could say my goodbyes
(10:20:28 PM): -__-
(10:20:36 PM): nooo goodbyes !
(10:20:59 PM): just " see you around's "
(10:21:18 PM): yah alright we'll call it that

I'll admit I was crying when we were talking. I really care about him, and if he does get locked up i'm really going to miss him a lot ! I dont want him to go! I hate how i never really noticed how much I cared about him till I find out he's bound to leave for a long time. Maybe I like him ? Or Maybe I just care about him a lot. I'm just praying for the best.

*Free Mikey !

the rest was up to you..

2008-10-20T22:57:00.000-07:00

<3why don't we hit restart and pause it at our favorite parts...

confuzzled ?

2008-10-19T15:14:00.000-07:00

I miss you. I think ? Not like things are any different. Just the status. I'll admit I did fall too fast. Never usually happens..Wait it has happend before, but not usually. I still have that unsatisfied feeling that there is still things I want to say, its just i don't know what it is. I don't want you to feel bad because i don't really care. This is something I most definitely shouldn't be worrying about. Don't baby me because I can take care of myself. Maybe I'm mad ? I know I'm past sad though. I was used to not talking to you. Only seeing you once a week or even less. I'm glad i had my close friends and family by my side to help me realize what I was doing wrong. Haaa & If it wasn't for them, I probably wouldn't be feeling this way right now. Maybe we would have still been "talking" but in a wrong way. I would taking every wrong turn and turn every problem into an excuse; like waiting patiently until you realized I was still there behind you the whole time, waiting to see if you really noticed that I was going to be there for you always. but I don't think you did until i finally told you how much it sucked to be just a girl on the side. I hate catching the feelings too fast. I wanted something to come out of this relationship. Or maybe something will come out. Just not yet. I hate how I say I can do things, but when it gets to the point I totally freak out and never do what was intended. Like totally wanting a friendship before a relationship ? Yeah never worked out. I'm still waiting for someone like that to come by. Maybe there is someone under my nose. I just feel like crap. I really want us to be still be FRIENDS,like we agreed on; but I honestly don't know what that is between me and you because we never experienced it. We skipped that big step and went into the loveyduvey junk. Not good not good not good because "true love waits." Just want you to know I'll always be here for you, and I miss you.. Ahh frick, i hate hiding my feelings, it sucks.